2013

As we wrap up the year the world was supposed to end on.

 

Ahh 2012, what year you have been. So much has happened this year, a lot of bad, and some good I suppose but for the most part 2012 was a stinker… At least for me it was, and there are a few others out there who I’m sure feel the same way.

 

There have been immense tragedies this year; shootings, storms, fiscal cliffs, elections, sickness, and marriage disillusions. I started 2012 by moving, leaving home, and almost ending my marriage, coming back from that has changed me immensely, in addition to that finding out my grandmother ( who is one of the strongest people I know ) almost died of the big C, and loosing another grandmother to it. I’ve learned the frailty of life, and how relationships and friendships can go from great to not so great in the span of just a few weeks, and how some peoples life choices will affect not only them, but those around them, and I also learned who exactly my friends are and who I can trust.

 

Me.

 

There are other people I can trust sure, but for the most part if you cant trust and believe in yourself then there is no one else around who is going to pick up that slack, I guess that is what I’ve taken away from 2012. If you want something DONE, and not only done right, but done at all you need to do it yourself.

 

With that being said I’m hoping/praying/wishing/willing 2013 to be the best year ever, at least thats how I feel in my mind. I have many ambitions and pipe dreams I hope will come to fruition this year. I have a new job, going back to school, getting my finances back on track, and finishing up my book. I’m hoping for 2013 be the year I get signed with a publisher and can just work for myself… At least that’s the goal.

 

So here, here 2013, hope your a damn sight better than your predecessor. 

Don’t we all die?

I only seem to write when I am inspired. And unfortunately that seems to happen less and less these days. 

 

But I guess like writing (and anything else) it gets better with practice, or letting it consume you. I’ve always been told that if I’m not doing something it’s because I don’t want it bad enough. 

 

Ironically I usually get what I want in the end, which I guess is a good thing because there are A LOT of things that I want. Not only for personal gain mind you, but to have a great sense of self worth. I mean why do we try and achieve anything? 

 

Recognition? Fame? Fortune? 

 

All of those things can be awesome, but at what point is what that consumes you something that you need to be consumed by. Are we all supposed to be chasing what we want? Is what we want what we need?

 

Those are all great questions. Hell I’ve been asking questions all my life. Most of my questions go unanswered which I guess isn’t as bad as it could be. I just have a daily need/want to be better. To be more than what I am now, and each day I grow more and more terrified that I will amount to nothing in my life. As bleak as that sounds I guess it’s a little realistic. There is a good chance I could end up completely alone, away from everyone, forgotten, and destitute. 

 

As much as I hate my procrastination, and my ability to blame everything and everyone else for my own problems, I still haven’t realized that I am the only one that can do anything about it… 

 

Sounds self defeating and narcissistic right? Maybe, but I honestly have a lot of apathy when it comes to those feelings.

 

All I know is I want something, and it’s not what you may think, some days I’m not even sure what I want. 

 

Maybe if one day I woke up and was rich beyond my wildest dreams then I would know. Not to worry about money or anything like that, not to worry that people I care about may go without, but to have security… 

 

But then again caring about something as trivial as money is somewhat foolish. I mean when you die you take nothing with you. We all end up butt naked on a table, cut open and pumped with chemicals to preserve this disgusting husk that we carry around daily.

 

Maybe in the end it will all make sense. Once we are gone maybe we can finally have some perspective in life.

 

Having people close to me slowly waste away has gotten me thinking that nothing is eternal, and that we are supposed to use EVERY moment of EVERY day, because if we don’t then we have nothing to leave behind, but if we can’t take anything with us, isn’t the only thing we are taking with us something we never really had?

 

In case you didn’t know I was just writing to confuse you a bit. If you are still reading this, then bully for you. Because I stopped reading this about two paragraphs ago…

 

Kidding.

 

But seriously, I have a serious problem. I can’t quit, but I also can never, ever start. I have to start slowly, forget, remember, and start again. Maybe one day before it’s all said and done I will finally have that achievement I feel that I need in my life… That one… Thing.

 

Whatever it may be.

 

CUSS YOU!!!

I believe it’s stupid to give power to some words…

Certain unfavorable words, like “the n word”, or “the f word”, or the even more popular “C U Next Tuesday”.

These words all had meaning at one point in history, and often as we humans do, we give power to words.

These words today don’t mean the same thing they did when the word was originally thought, spoken, written, or yelled.

These words hold power because WE give them power.

When you drop the f-bomb in front of your parents they gasp (well maybe not your parents, but maybe your granny) and yell at you, telling you to stop saying such horrible things and wash your mouth out with soap (or purel if you prefer).

I for one think we should just give no more power to these words, if you give no power to a word then it can’t affect you.

“But Aaron, what if someone screams in my face that I’m a bloody sh*t rag?!?” yeah, I know, I know I can’t guarantee you that this will always work, but you should at least try to not let those cuss words affect you in a negative way…

And honestly this works with many forms of criticism… In this critical world where we are obsessed with judgement (seriously, how many reality “judgement shows” are on tv now?) we are too into adhering to criticism. Now I’m all for constructive feedback, that’s different, that’s a tactful way of criticizing someone, which is VERY different. But I digress, that is another argument for another post.

Anyway, in a nut-shell. Just get over the cusswords.

Stop being babies.

Trying things out I guess…

I like keeping things simple. I strive for simplicity in my life. Which is not always a luxury that I get. I I enjoy when life isn’t OVERLY complicated, and when things run the way they should (or at least a little bit a way that I could expect them too).

Things recently have been doing that. Staying somewhat simple.

As simple as I can be.

That’s why I’ve not written a post in awhile (sorry to all my thousands of readers. ha).

But I will be making an effort to be writing much, much more in the coming months.

Peace out all you happy fucking hippies.

Am I completely honest with myself?

 

I don’t think I’ve honestly asked myself that question… Ever…

Sure I’ll tell you that I am real, and that I appear to have it together in one way or another, or maybe that’s not how I perceive you perceive me.

I wish it were true, I would love to be more honest with myself and honest with others, maybe it’s some sort of defense mechanism that inhibits me from being true. Maybe it’s fear of rejections, which quite possibly is the case. Why don’t we do any certain thing? Rejection? Repercussion? I mean you don’t rob a bank because you wouldn’t like to have that money, you don’t rob a bank because you don’t want to go to prison.

Now that’s not to say those aren’t valid points. If you didn’t have that inhibitor would you be more honest with yourself and others? C’mon I know I’m no the only one who feels that way. Not to brag but I feel my dishonesty has really hurt some people in my life that I care about, but that’s just something that you can expect from a chronic liar…

I don’t mean to get too real on here but I guess it has to be that way to make a point.

Why can’t we be more honest with ourselves? I challenge anyone who is reading this to get rid of that inhibitor that prevents you from being honest and speaking your mind, keep it within reason, I’m not saying through caution to the wind and say something stupid to your boss that gets you fired, I’m saying stand up for yourself and how you feel, do what you feel you need to do, regardless of what people tell you.

Be real, and be honest. Others can sense it and will respect you for it, and if they don’t… Well I’m sure they have their reasons.

Hope this confused a few people…

I find myself a…

I find myself always asking questions, there is always something I feel I need to have answered. Something that is always out of place and needs my immediate attention, and once I find those questions have no answer my entire fragile psyche unravels at the seams leaving me confused, angry, and at times very morose…

I blame drinking coffee at a young age. I mean c’mon introducing caffiene to an over-active imagination was bound to have some long lasting effects on my mental well being, but I digress.

Like I said. Questions.

Always asking, searching, seeking never finding. The people I hold in the highest regard have failed me multiple times and that’s not to say they aren’t good people or know what they are talking about, they have helped numerous people in the past with various problems and maladies, it’s just those same people I command a mutual treatment from fall short.

This has taught me the people you hold on a pedestal tend to fall down too, and it can be disheartening. However instead of letting something like that tear you to pieces, just turn those feelings around (for lack of a better colloquialism) use that weakness to your advantige and find that strength in yourself, because no matter what, in the end it’s just you… And well God.

Those people you thought had all the answers to those questions will not be there for you when you need them. Not to sound bleake but they very well may not be, sometimes you have to learn to carry your own burdens, and find the strength within yourself, because you are never alone when you are with yourself, and the last time I checked we were always with ourselves.

That is of course if you are having an out of body experience whilst reading this entry (And if so I’m a better wrtiter than I thought… Or just very boring).

Yes I know that all sounds very hum drum, but it’s not really. There are people in your life you can trust and love, and they can help you thgourh difficult times, but you need to be aware they may not always be there and that is a very, very tough demon to face. There are some people in my life that if were gone I’m not sure how I would function… But YOU learn to find the strength within yourself.

And please don’t start a philosophical debate on how it’s us and god blah, blah, blah. If you have a faith then it’s just as much apart of you, as you yourself are (Try and think about that for a moment… Okay got it?).

And if you don’t have a fiath, keep strong, if you believe in something believe in that, you find strength in it to keep you going. Because if you fail you need something there to catch you, and when all the people you thought would aren’t there to break that fall, and you can’t catch yourself…

Well something has too…

 

Hope this confused a few.

 

May I have my c…

May I have my cake and eat it too?

We often try and control most every aspect of our lives. What to wear, eat, do, or even think. We go to therapy, read magazines, get our info from the internet or commercials and for what? Are we so blind that we allow something that somebody else things is interesting or entertaining dictate our very lives? Are we able to think for ourselves?

Most days I am consumed by the notion that I need fame, money, and recognition in my life to make me happy and to feel worthwhile. Now depending on your outlook of life you may think this to be shallow, but are my intentions indeed so shallow as to spend my money and “clout” on the people I love? To me there has always been a fine line between wanting something you can’t have and something you shouldn’t have. To me when you strive for perfection, or a particular goal I say more power to you. Especially if it’s a goal that keeps you getting up and out of bed every morning. But in this all do we loose ourselves? Is it possible for us to keep a perfect balance in life?

Balance, balance, balance… Like unto control we seek balance in our lives, “Make sure you don’t have too much of this in your diet”, or “You need more fiber”, countless ways to strive for that perfection that we so seek. In what way is perfection measured? Is it money or fame, is it happyness or health, or is it even a balance between the latter?

In my heart I feel the need for balance, and I’m not too proud to admit I feel the need for control.

If I could change certain aspects about my life to be who I feel I should be I would, I take small steps daily, but times I wish I could run, or even jump. I’m not one to take things slow. I want it, all or nothing. Don’t hold it back, ether let me have it or don’t.

That balance we seek for sometimes means we have to sacrifice a few things, but then agian what is life without sacrifice? Is that perfection? I think that if there were no strife in our lives we would become so bored that we wouldn’t even leave the house. Those days when I feel that I can’t go on, or when I feel that I will ammount to nothing in my life, I try and weigh my options and to see if the path I walk will compromise myself, may I have my cake and eat it too? Maybe that is the perfection that we seek, being able to always have what we want.

But then again how is that something worth fighting for? Aren’t people trying to do right so they can achieve Nirvana or Paradise? What are those things? No worry or fear?

It seems we are all striving for something. I hope one day to find what I’m looking for, and I hope you do as well.

Goodnight.

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