2013

As we wrap up the year the world was supposed to end on.

 

Ahh 2012, what year you have been. So much has happened this year, a lot of bad, and some good I suppose but for the most part 2012 was a stinker… At least for me it was, and there are a few others out there who I’m sure feel the same way.

 

There have been immense tragedies this year; shootings, storms, fiscal cliffs, elections, sickness, and marriage disillusions. I started 2012 by moving, leaving home, and almost ending my marriage, coming back from that has changed me immensely, in addition to that finding out my grandmother ( who is one of the strongest people I know ) almost died of the big C, and loosing another grandmother to it. I’ve learned the frailty of life, and how relationships and friendships can go from great to not so great in the span of just a few weeks, and how some peoples life choices will affect not only them, but those around them, and I also learned who exactly my friends are and who I can trust.

 

Me.

 

There are other people I can trust sure, but for the most part if you cant trust and believe in yourself then there is no one else around who is going to pick up that slack, I guess that is what I’ve taken away from 2012. If you want something DONE, and not only done right, but done at all you need to do it yourself.

 

With that being said I’m hoping/praying/wishing/willing 2013 to be the best year ever, at least thats how I feel in my mind. I have many ambitions and pipe dreams I hope will come to fruition this year. I have a new job, going back to school, getting my finances back on track, and finishing up my book. I’m hoping for 2013 be the year I get signed with a publisher and can just work for myself… At least that’s the goal.

 

So here, here 2013, hope your a damn sight better than your predecessor. 

2012
12/27
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Don’t we all die?

I only seem to write when I am inspired. And unfortunately that seems to happen less and less these days. 

 

But I guess like writing (and anything else) it gets better with practice, or letting it consume you. I’ve always been told that if I’m not doing something it’s because I don’t want it bad enough. 

 

Ironically I usually get what I want in the end, which I guess is a good thing because there are A LOT of things that I want. Not only for personal gain mind you, but to have a great sense of self worth. I mean why do we try and achieve anything? 

 

Recognition? Fame? Fortune? 

 

All of those things can be awesome, but at what point is what that consumes you something that you need to be consumed by. Are we all supposed to be chasing what we want? Is what we want what we need?

 

Those are all great questions. Hell I’ve been asking questions all my life. Most of my questions go unanswered which I guess isn’t as bad as it could be. I just have a daily need/want to be better. To be more than what I am now, and each day I grow more and more terrified that I will amount to nothing in my life. As bleak as that sounds I guess it’s a little realistic. There is a good chance I could end up completely alone, away from everyone, forgotten, and destitute. 

 

As much as I hate my procrastination, and my ability to blame everything and everyone else for my own problems, I still haven’t realized that I am the only one that can do anything about it… 

 

Sounds self defeating and narcissistic right? Maybe, but I honestly have a lot of apathy when it comes to those feelings.

 

All I know is I want something, and it’s not what you may think, some days I’m not even sure what I want. 

 

Maybe if one day I woke up and was rich beyond my wildest dreams then I would know. Not to worry about money or anything like that, not to worry that people I care about may go without, but to have security… 

 

But then again caring about something as trivial as money is somewhat foolish. I mean when you die you take nothing with you. We all end up butt naked on a table, cut open and pumped with chemicals to preserve this disgusting husk that we carry around daily.

 

Maybe in the end it will all make sense. Once we are gone maybe we can finally have some perspective in life.

 

Having people close to me slowly waste away has gotten me thinking that nothing is eternal, and that we are supposed to use EVERY moment of EVERY day, because if we don’t then we have nothing to leave behind, but if we can’t take anything with us, isn’t the only thing we are taking with us something we never really had?

 

In case you didn’t know I was just writing to confuse you a bit. If you are still reading this, then bully for you. Because I stopped reading this about two paragraphs ago…

 

Kidding.

 

But seriously, I have a serious problem. I can’t quit, but I also can never, ever start. I have to start slowly, forget, remember, and start again. Maybe one day before it’s all said and done I will finally have that achievement I feel that I need in my life… That one… Thing.

 

Whatever it may be.

 

2012
11/18
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CUSS YOU!!!

I believe it’s stupid to give power to some words…

Certain unfavorable words, like “the n word”, or “the f word”, or the even more popular “C U Next Tuesday”.

These words all had meaning at one point in history, and often as we humans do, we give power to words.

These words today don’t mean the same thing they did when the word was originally thought, spoken, written, or yelled.

These words hold power because WE give them power.

When you drop the f-bomb in front of your parents they gasp (well maybe not your parents, but maybe your granny) and yell at you, telling you to stop saying such horrible things and wash your mouth out with soap (or purel if you prefer).

I for one think we should just give no more power to these words, if you give no power to a word then it can’t affect you.

“But Aaron, what if someone screams in my face that I’m a bloody sh*t rag?!?” yeah, I know, I know I can’t guarantee you that this will always work, but you should at least try to not let those cuss words affect you in a negative way…

And honestly this works with many forms of criticism… In this critical world where we are obsessed with judgement (seriously, how many reality “judgement shows” are on tv now?) we are too into adhering to criticism. Now I’m all for constructive feedback, that’s different, that’s a tactful way of criticizing someone, which is VERY different. But I digress, that is another argument for another post.

Anyway, in a nut-shell. Just get over the cusswords.

Stop being babies.

2012
09/06
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Trying things out I guess…

I like keeping things simple. I strive for simplicity in my life. Which is not always a luxury that I get. I I enjoy when life isn’t OVERLY complicated, and when things run the way they should (or at least a little bit a way that I could expect them too).

Things recently have been doing that. Staying somewhat simple.

As simple as I can be.

That’s why I’ve not written a post in awhile (sorry to all my thousands of readers. ha).

But I will be making an effort to be writing much, much more in the coming months.

Peace out all you happy fucking hippies.

2012
09/06
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Am I completely honest with myself?

 

I don’t think I’ve honestly asked myself that question… Ever…

Sure I’ll tell you that I am real, and that I appear to have it together in one way or another, or maybe that’s not how I perceive you perceive me.

I wish it were true, I would love to be more honest with myself and honest with others, maybe it’s some sort of defense mechanism that inhibits me from being true. Maybe it’s fear of rejections, which quite possibly is the case. Why don’t we do any certain thing? Rejection? Repercussion? I mean you don’t rob a bank because you wouldn’t like to have that money, you don’t rob a bank because you don’t want to go to prison.

Now that’s not to say those aren’t valid points. If you didn’t have that inhibitor would you be more honest with yourself and others? C’mon I know I’m no the only one who feels that way. Not to brag but I feel my dishonesty has really hurt some people in my life that I care about, but that’s just something that you can expect from a chronic liar…

I don’t mean to get too real on here but I guess it has to be that way to make a point.

Why can’t we be more honest with ourselves? I challenge anyone who is reading this to get rid of that inhibitor that prevents you from being honest and speaking your mind, keep it within reason, I’m not saying through caution to the wind and say something stupid to your boss that gets you fired, I’m saying stand up for yourself and how you feel, do what you feel you need to do, regardless of what people tell you.

Be real, and be honest. Others can sense it and will respect you for it, and if they don’t… Well I’m sure they have their reasons.

Hope this confused a few people…

2012
04/04
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I find myself a…

I find myself always asking questions, there is always something I feel I need to have answered. Something that is always out of place and needs my immediate attention, and once I find those questions have no answer my entire fragile psyche unravels at the seams leaving me confused, angry, and at times very morose…

I blame drinking coffee at a young age. I mean c’mon introducing caffiene to an over-active imagination was bound to have some long lasting effects on my mental well being, but I digress.

Like I said. Questions.

Always asking, searching, seeking never finding. The people I hold in the highest regard have failed me multiple times and that’s not to say they aren’t good people or know what they are talking about, they have helped numerous people in the past with various problems and maladies, it’s just those same people I command a mutual treatment from fall short.

This has taught me the people you hold on a pedestal tend to fall down too, and it can be disheartening. However instead of letting something like that tear you to pieces, just turn those feelings around (for lack of a better colloquialism) use that weakness to your advantige and find that strength in yourself, because no matter what, in the end it’s just you… And well God.

Those people you thought had all the answers to those questions will not be there for you when you need them. Not to sound bleake but they very well may not be, sometimes you have to learn to carry your own burdens, and find the strength within yourself, because you are never alone when you are with yourself, and the last time I checked we were always with ourselves.

That is of course if you are having an out of body experience whilst reading this entry (And if so I’m a better wrtiter than I thought… Or just very boring).

Yes I know that all sounds very hum drum, but it’s not really. There are people in your life you can trust and love, and they can help you thgourh difficult times, but you need to be aware they may not always be there and that is a very, very tough demon to face. There are some people in my life that if were gone I’m not sure how I would function… But YOU learn to find the strength within yourself.

And please don’t start a philosophical debate on how it’s us and god blah, blah, blah. If you have a faith then it’s just as much apart of you, as you yourself are (Try and think about that for a moment… Okay got it?).

And if you don’t have a fiath, keep strong, if you believe in something believe in that, you find strength in it to keep you going. Because if you fail you need something there to catch you, and when all the people you thought would aren’t there to break that fall, and you can’t catch yourself…

Well something has too…

 

Hope this confused a few.

 

2012
03/27
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May I have my c…

May I have my cake and eat it too?

We often try and control most every aspect of our lives. What to wear, eat, do, or even think. We go to therapy, read magazines, get our info from the internet or commercials and for what? Are we so blind that we allow something that somebody else things is interesting or entertaining dictate our very lives? Are we able to think for ourselves?

Most days I am consumed by the notion that I need fame, money, and recognition in my life to make me happy and to feel worthwhile. Now depending on your outlook of life you may think this to be shallow, but are my intentions indeed so shallow as to spend my money and “clout” on the people I love? To me there has always been a fine line between wanting something you can’t have and something you shouldn’t have. To me when you strive for perfection, or a particular goal I say more power to you. Especially if it’s a goal that keeps you getting up and out of bed every morning. But in this all do we loose ourselves? Is it possible for us to keep a perfect balance in life?

Balance, balance, balance… Like unto control we seek balance in our lives, “Make sure you don’t have too much of this in your diet”, or “You need more fiber”, countless ways to strive for that perfection that we so seek. In what way is perfection measured? Is it money or fame, is it happyness or health, or is it even a balance between the latter?

In my heart I feel the need for balance, and I’m not too proud to admit I feel the need for control.

If I could change certain aspects about my life to be who I feel I should be I would, I take small steps daily, but times I wish I could run, or even jump. I’m not one to take things slow. I want it, all or nothing. Don’t hold it back, ether let me have it or don’t.

That balance we seek for sometimes means we have to sacrifice a few things, but then agian what is life without sacrifice? Is that perfection? I think that if there were no strife in our lives we would become so bored that we wouldn’t even leave the house. Those days when I feel that I can’t go on, or when I feel that I will ammount to nothing in my life, I try and weigh my options and to see if the path I walk will compromise myself, may I have my cake and eat it too? Maybe that is the perfection that we seek, being able to always have what we want.

But then again how is that something worth fighting for? Aren’t people trying to do right so they can achieve Nirvana or Paradise? What are those things? No worry or fear?

It seems we are all striving for something. I hope one day to find what I’m looking for, and I hope you do as well.

Goodnight.

2012
03/19
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Forgive and Remember…

 I’ve always looked at others bearing grudges, how it consumes their very lives, how it becomes more apart of them than any other aspect of their personality. Whole heartedly the grudge they bear will permeate every part of their heart, clouding their judgement and feelings. If we viewed a grudge as more of a sickness maybe we would treat it like one, prescribe some cleaning in your heart, break through all the crap that you keep bottled up inside.

 I know of a few people like this in my life, I’ve seen countless hardships and trials the person(s) goes through and yet they continue to let their lives be ruled by a grudge and un forgiveness, all cloaked in the gise of “friendship” and “love”.

 It’s amazing how love can be so amazing, and yet carry such a bite. It’s like a piece of candy surrounding a cyanide pill, once you get passed the good part (or if you bite down too hard) you get a fresh taste of poison, and before you know it you’re dead…

 I hope that in my life I can shed some of the grudges I hold, I don’t want them to consume my life, to eat at me day in and day out until my body starts to destroy itself from inside out. 

 Those people who keep things bottled up inside I wish I could show them their lives as others see them, see how they have ruined more than one life just because they are petty and want something all for themselves. I don’t care what religion you are, or even if you aren’t religious, but the bible does have some interesting things to say. One of the biggest is love, love not only yourself, but others. And treat others right, treat them the way you wanted to be treated. If you HONESTLY do that, heck if EVERYONE did that the world would be a better place. 

 In addition to bearing grudges and keeping things bottled up people need to learn not to judge. I know this sounds incredibly self contradictory, and somewhat humorous, because as any “blogger” out there in the inter-web we can all be considered as “hatin” on something, but set aside your preconceived notions about me and just listen. 

 Judge not lest ye be judged (my interpretation of it at least). It’s in the book of Matthew. It also talks about how you judge others, you will be judged that way as well. Yeah, yeah, I know preachy right? No, prescribe some other viewpoint to it. I’m sure every religion (or whatever) has something that keeps that same idea.

 I hope to offer true forgiveness, and I hope I can forget. For me that’s the hardest part. I can forgive you, and mean it, but it doesn’t necessarily change the way I feel. Maybe that’s my own problem, but it’s something that’s difficult to surpass. Time heals all wounds right? Sometimes time just lets them fester and decay.

 I hope to deviate from the ones I’ve seen decay, and while I am trying to be a better person I will watch them continue to decay, until they ether leave this plane, or learn their lesson…

 

Hope this offended someone. 

Peace.

2012
03/13
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Inspiration…

The hunt for inspiration is a hunt I will be participating in until the day I die.

When I was younger it didn’t take much to inspire me, but back then it’s not like I really had any inclination to do anything with my creativity, at least at the time it seemed simple, but I would try and do something fun because back then I wasn’t trying to create anything for recognition or (dare I say it) a buck or two. I was “creating” for the simple pleasure of doing it, I had no reservations, I would just sit down and draw my stick figures and whatever else came to mind. It was always accessible, and I could find inspiration in the most odd places. Even going into a store or something with a certain atmosphere inspired me to be creative. 

Rain would always be a good source of inspiration as well, rainy days were my most productive, that is if you could call it productivity. 

Now in my age I find it increasingly difficult to find inspiration, the spark is still there, but if I don’t seize the opportunity at that time the thought is lost forever. Also I find to be 100% more critical of myself than I was as a kid, everything I create has to go through an extensive filter. Not a grammar or spelling filter (as you can tell my thought stream about often times with no coherence) but if a work is not to my liking I can easily discard it abandoning the project and never giving it a second thought. I can’t even begin to tell you the projects I’ve axed because I didn’t think they were good enough. I guess that we are our own worst critics. 

What I wish is that I could go back to when I didn’t care about how something looked, or if it sounded right, the point was I had fun doing it and I never cared about recognition from people, I didn’t feel that I had something to prove it was pure creativity. That is what I want, the hunt is on for that OG creativity. 

I’ve been getting better I will admit, I did start back writing this blog, and while I may have one or two readers I still am working towards putting out there what I do, be it writing, music, or art. 

Everyone needs an outlet, everyone needs a hobby. If someone crosses my life I hope to leave them with the sense of wanting to better themselves be it from seeing how much of a wreck I am, or that they may think I am interesting and want to be interesting in their own way. I want to carry my creativity to the grave, I want to be writing, reading, painting, drawing, singing, playing guitar, and whatever else until I can no longer do it anymore. 

And so what if I make a few bucks at it, there is nothing more rewarding than getting paid for something you really enjoy doing… Well there are other things more enjoyable, but it is something I enjoy and would hope to make a carrier of it one day.

Sorry if this post didn’t inspire you as much as my last one did. Instead of writing only when I am ruled by something, I am trying to write as often as possible to strengthen my writing muscles. Comments and criticism is appreciated, I promise I won’t cry. 

Anyway, have a good day. 

2012
03/03
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Change…

Change is good right? 

  Seasons do it, people do it, everything changes in one way or another. The key is do you actually enjoy the changes that are taking place? Have you made them yourself, or has a change come about and you have no control over it whatsoever. 

  There are really only two types of changes that I can think of which are indirect and direct change. Now I have no scientific proof of this, and I’m not claiming to know anything at all, I’m just going off of personal experience (I suppose that should have been a disclaimer up at the top, but I’m too ADD to think of how an article should flow properly I guess).

Anyhow I am getting away from myself. 

  A direct change is something you do, like choosing to go to the store or to not, deciding to purchase an app for .99 cents or downloading the dumb free version it’s something that you have some modicum of control over, and in a way that is exhilarating (if you are obsessive compulsive maybe) being able to change something right there and seeing a direct output as soon as you make some decision. It’s satisfying to know that nothing really insane will happen because you are in control…

  Which I’ve read that “control is an illusion” I do not remember who wrote it, but he/she is very intuitive. Because control is a form of an illusion. We perceive we can do something, or that we are able to make changes in our daily life, but in the grand scheme of things our decisions that we make are very small (unless you are the president or something, then in that case you are on your own… And come to think of it you wouldn’t be reading this blog) but small changes are good even though change is something we perceive. I enjoy the feeling that I can possibly make change, whether it be in my or someone else’s life. And hopefully for the better.

  On the other hand there are the indirect changes that can affect our very lives. Such as illness, political, or even natural changes. Last time I checked nobody wanted hurricane catrina to happen, but it was an indirect change that took a toll. Some may argue that it was something people could have done something about, but that’s up for speculation (yes I know about the dams and what not but I don’t wish to divert my current train of thought). 

  When there is a change in your life you have to ether accept it or not. You can easily accept a direct change, because you probably did it, however accepting an indirect change is something that is left up to you. Are you going to accept the fact that you are going through troubles in your life, that people close to you are falling ill and won’t be around much longer, or that your life isn’t currently where you would like it to be, ether by indirect or direct changes in your life?

  We all perceive that we know the answers, and if control is in fact an illusion it would apply only to direct changes, because when it’s all said and  done, the .99 cent app purchase I did isn’t going to control a death in the family, or whether or not America is going to be bought out by China…

  In conclusion (if you can call it that) change is an enigma, impossible, controllable, infallible, and very stupid. I find it hard to relinquish control, be it in a physical or spiritual aspect. It’s something I’m constantly pitted against. Maybe one day I will learn that control is indeed an illusion and me worrying over what I do on the day to day will matter in the long run. Hopefully the good stuff matters, and is remembered and the bad will be added to the blooper reel of my life. 

Have a good one.

2012
02/28
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